Need New Pants

All my pants got holes in them.  Hole in the right knee.  Hole in the left knee.  I got a hole on the inside of my pocket, everything falls down the inside of my pant leg onto my shoe.  I got a hole on the outside of my front pocket.  I got a hole on the back pocket, my keys fall out.  I got a hole in the crotch area.  Time for new pants.

Dad’s bloody head

I looked at my right upper arm. There was a bruise on it.  Then I looked at myself and my bruise in the mirror.  I thought to myself, “How did I get this bruise?”.  It’s strange when you can’t remember any moment when you could have possibly got a bruise.  You wish you could watch replay of your prior day and pinpoint the exact moment that something clashed with your arm.

Then I thought about my dad.  He would be working on something and look up at me with a cut on his forehead, slowly leaking blood.  I would tell my dad, “Your head is bleeding”.  Then he would look at me and wipe his hand over his forehead, smearing blood over his face.

Burrito Dude

While working on Hollywood Blvd I encounter many “characters”. Many characters fall into categories such as good, bad or ugly. I find that the most interesting “characters” defy such labeling. Enter “Burrito Dude” – a late twenty something, raspy voiced crazed chubby man.

Today I met Burrito Dude. An electric character filled with enthusiasm, guts, and probably a lot of drugs.

I stood on the Blvd talking with my coworker Dmitry, when Burrito Dude approached and asked me, “Where’s the tattoo shop?”. I replied with a simple point and “It’s two doors down”. Then B.D. pulled a dollar out of his shirt pocket and gave it to me, “Thanks bro.”

I took the dollar (fuck I need money, these are difficult times!) and laughed. Then went back behind the office front desk. After a few minutes Burrito Dude returned as excited as ever. He wanted a quote for a group. It was difficult to take him seriously but I’ve learned that a sale can come from anyone.

The quote came out to about $350, I was giving it on the cheap. Burrito Dude responded, “How about you get 2 cartons of cigarettes, a bottle of whiskey and we call it $400″. I told him that I could not provide him such a service. “That’s okay I’ll still do it. What’s your name so I can ask for you when I call to reserve?”. He then gave Dmitry and me a blunt wrap and a pack of cigarettes.

He then told me he would be back at noon to bring me a burrito for lunch.
I never saw Burrito Dude again.

Fruitcakes: What’s your takes?

The holidays come and go, but one thing that remains is fruitcake.

GOLDEN FRUITCAKE

SPICED DARK FRUITCAKE

CAJUN FRUITCAKE

THREE POUND RING FRUITCAKE

It’s important to realize during the holidays that although we might all prefer different types of fruitcake (add boiled, rich walnut, and grandma’s to the list)  we can all agree that we love fruitcake.

FM

Cocksucker from Oregon

He got real mad after I gave him the “jerk off” gesture.   After pulling up to the passenger side of my car, he rolled down his window and started to yell.  I couldn’t hear a thing and gave him the “cupping of the ear/ quizzical look”.  He jerked his car close to mine. 

I thought: hey turd go ahead and dent your brand new Mercedes against my Ford Focus, see if I care two flying fucks.  As he sped away I saw his Oregon license plate. 

I thought of the state trooper that gave me a seatbelt ticket while sitting in the backseat of my friends car on the side of some highway in the Oregon hills.  That dude was a jerk.

December 18. Holidays. Christmas. The Nutcracker. Crackers. Nuts. Peanuts. Chocolate. Peanut M&M’s.

What’s sweeter than kids and candy?  Kids selling candy.

That’s what I used to believe.  I was WRONG.

I bought Peanut M&M’s from a kid and ended up with a cracked tooth.

Is that what I get for giving to charity.  This is how it’s going to go down God??? GAME ON!

THE ANNUAL

YOOOOO PEEPS HELLLLP A MOTHAFUCKA OUT! MY FRIEND SEAN HAS THIS FILM AND IT’S LIKE BOMB DIGGITY! Starting today we are trying to get people to Demand the film SEAN directed, The Annual, at the linked website here. It’s free to click
and helps get a DIY Independent film like ours into theatres! Every
click is a huge help! THANKS!

www.eventful.com/theannual

The Rain Debate: CONTINUED

Never has rain been so hotly contested! Rain: Is it good or bad?  Today I received this shocking email!

“

To Mr. Reinhard,

My name is Samuel L. Jones.  I am the mayor of the GREAT town of Mobile, Alabama!  I have read your recent posts about rain and I wanted to chime in before YOU had the chance to.  Let me first provide you with some important information.  The great town of Mobile is the wettest place in the United States,  averaging 67 inches of rainfall a year.  That is almost 2X as much as the pussy city of Seattle!

Secondly, FUCK YOU.  I am tired of hearing how you are tired of rain.  You live in Los Angeles.  What…it rains like 5 times a year over there??? Suck it up poser.  Do you know how much 67 inches is??? That is like over 5 feet.  You could drown in that!

Lastly, I love the fucking rain!  I conceived two of my children in the rain and I’m not ashamed about that fact!  Down in Mobile we know how to party!  You know what is made of mostly water?  BEER! I fucking love beer.

Suck it,

Samuel L Jones

Mayor of Mobile

“

WOW.  This dude is rad.

Seattle is cool.

I would like to renounce my last, rather brash, post about Seattle.   Yesterday I received an email from Greg Nickels, the mayor of Seattle, that read as follows:

“

Dear Mr. Reinhard,

First and foremost I would like congratulate your success as a cutting edge blogger.  Many of us up here in the Northwest follow your blog with ardor.  We have a few internet wiz-kids up here as well.  Ever heard of Bill Gates or Paul Allen??   Anyway I digress.

I was excited to find what your latest post would deliver but was ultimately shocked to read about your profane laden blog about our fine town of Seattle.  You must realize that while we do receive our fair share of rainfall, 36 inches annually, our fine town of Seattle actually receives less rainfall annually than New York City!  Perhaps you should curse the Big Apple next time!

Although rain can sometimes become burdensome, the fine citizens of our fine town can enjoy the great variety of distractions that abound our fine town. Have you ever seen the view from the Space Needle?  It is absolutely magnificent!

I hope you change your mind about the fine town of Seattle and come visit us soon!  Have you heard of Grunge Rock????

Best Regards,

Greg Nickels

Mayor of Seattle

“

First I would like to say how much I appreciated this email from Mr. Nickels.  He seems like a cool dude.  And I must say that I enjoyed myself very much the last time I visited Seattle.  I think it barely even rained when I was there.  I like Seattle but FUCK NEW YORK CITY!