Closet Baseball Fan

I’ll admit it.  I’m a closet baseball fan.

Although I rarely watch baseball games on t.v., I follow baseball on the internet.  Mostly through Yahoo! Sports!….!…!

I can’t remember why I started watching baseball.  Both my parents are from Germany and never understood baseball.  Maybe it was my neighbor Ed, a diehard Padres fan.  I used to go over to Ed and Ginny’s house.  I would help Ginny make pumpkin pies and then watch baseball with Ed.  Ed is dead now and I think Ginny lives in Arizona with her new husband Herb.  When I say “new”, I mean she married Herb probably about 15 years ago.

There’s something about dudes spraying each other with champagne that excites me.  I need an occasion in where I can douse myself with alcohol and it’s considered okay.  I mean I’ve done this before but never to the approval of anyone watching.  Can’t I just be accepted???

I remember once I was so wasted I took a drag from a cigarette and threw up on myself.  Couldn’t this have been a joyous moment?  Like celebrating a pennant win?

Alex Reinhard’s on Google Image Search

Lime Green Used To Be My Favorite Color Alex

Don’t Fuck With Me Alex (Above)

Old German Alex (Above)

Likable Alex (Above)

I-WATCH!

Using brochures, public service announcements and meetings with community groups, iWatch is designed to deliver concrete advice on how the public can follow the oft-repeated post-Sept. 11 recommendation, “If you see something, say something.”

What Suspicious Behaviors and Activities Should You Report?

Here are examples of behaviors and activities to report:

* People drawing or measuring important buildings – I guess it was kind of suspicious when I was trying to measure the Empire State Building…with a ruler!

* Strangers asking questions about security or building security procedures- “Excuse me. Where are there no security cameras in this building?”

* Briefcase, suitcase, backpack, or package left behind – The new tenet of the anti-terrorism department “No Briefcase Left Behind”

* Cars or trucks left in No Parking zones in front of important buildings- Good thing libraries aren’t important buildings cause I gotta drop off my overdue book and I don’t have time to look for a parking space!

* Intruders in secure areas where they are not supposed to be – Intruders=terrorists

* A person wearing clothes that are too big and too hot for the weather – aka Sean John Summer Line

* Chemical smells or fumes that worry you – Ummm I lived with Tuomas for three years. Enough said.

* People asking questions about sensitive information such as building blueprints, security plans, or VIP travel schedules without a right or need to know – It’s like when this dude asked if I had any plans for the summer and I was like “fuck you terrorist!”. Can anyone refer me to a new dentist?

* Purchasing supplies or equipment that can be used to make bombs or weapons or purchasing uniforms without having the proper credentials – “Sir do you have the proper credential to buy these overall jeans?”

Cats, Police Reports, and Germany

Recently my Mom moved back to the Vaterland! Deutschland! Germany! I guess she decided after 30 years that the Bratwurst just didn’t compare here in the US.  Here is an email she sent to me a few weeks before she left San Diego.  She was having some trouble with the neighbor below at the time….

“Hi Alex,  how’s it going?  Where are you?   The news here:  the neurotic Kathy from downstairs is threatening me now to call the police and the health department because some dog hair flew on her patio.  Well,  I told her I am going to file a police report against her cat for ruining my plants.”

Born in the 90’s

How ridiculous is that?   But he’s always looked the same.  A little baby face.  He was born in 1993 so how old is this little guy?  Let me think…. Wow is he 16?  Could he really be that old? 1993 to 2003 is 10.  2003 to 2009 is 6.  That’s sixteen.  He looks like he’s seriously 12 years old.  (Sigh) I can’t….I can’t….. He is like a fan of Jessica Alba….this is terrible.  Awww this is cute.

Update: Dude vs Bro

Before I get to the crux of this update,  I would like to point out that you can currently get a two pack of “Pure Sport” Old Spice at CVS for five dollars.  I mean for that kind of price, how can I not afford to put deodorant on??? I actually keep one stick for my left armpit and the second stick for my right armpit.  That’s classy!  Fuck all y’all!!!

REAL UPDATE: 

Currently when you google the phrase “dude vs bro” or “bro vs dude” this blog is the second link. 

I have to be better than urban dictionary! Please vote for my blog in google’s poll of favorite dude vs bro internet stuff!

Sippin’ on Gin and Jui…

This is part of a blog that I was going to write…like two years ago.  That’s why I’m posting it now! Watch out, it ends without notice:

“Let me first say that people (probably scientists) have translated my post about my Grandma’s leggy needs into German using the Google translation tool.  Hopefully this means that I am on my way to becoming an internationally known blogger.  The following is an excerpt of translated text:  Aufruf Ich “verrückt” (Beyonce), sondern “Ich werde schießen Ihre Katze” (Jay-Z).

Last Saturday I went out after work to meet my friends Tuomas, Diana, and Brian in Pasadena.  They were already at a bar when I arrived.  There are a few things that I don’t like about going to bars.  First bars serve drinks that are expensive… at least compared to a 24 pack of Pabst.  I don’t have a lot of money so this normally limits getting my drink on (call me cheap… I’ll probably get angry at you before I realize that you are correct).   This impasse is bypassible by bringing a bottle and drinking before you enter the bar, except that I drove there all alone (call me a loser… I’ll probably get angry at you before I realize that you are correct).   Needlesstosay my cheap loser ass was edgy before the night even began. “

I’m trying to remember what else happened this night.  Why was I edgy????  What did I do???? Who did I kill???

Dog Poo

“Ohhh nooo,” whispered David to himself.  He regretted  turning down the offer of a plastic bag at the grocery store while buying a pack of toilet paper and a twelve  pack of beer.  David was in the strange juxtaposition of wanting to help the environment by not taking any unnecessary plastic bags while shopping but also having a dog that he picked up afterwards.  See, not picking up after your dog’s poop is bad for the environment.  After it rains, the bacterial runoff escaping dog excrement deteriorates the quality of our oceans and streams.

Now his dog was taking a poo on the pier and at this moment David realized that he had forgot to grab a plastic bag before leaving the house.  But there were never any damn plastic bags in his house. After searching his house for a couple of minutes,  David would soon become frustrated and leave  with his dog without a plastic bag. David hoped his dog would walk into some shrubs and crap.  This happened sometimes and David was happy.  But there were also times like today when his dog would simply walk for too long…

You can’t force a dog to poo.  And David knew this.  That is why every time he left the house without a bag he knew anything could happen. ANYTHING.  Besides the environmental impact of dog poo, David also feared having to deal with someone racing out of their house enraged by the fact a dog had just took a shit on their lawn.  Old people were the best at this.

Two months previously David had been walking as his dog started to take a shit on a neighbor’s yard.  David had even felt safe because this time he had brought a bag.  There was no room for conflict he thought.  The neighbor would angrily approach but then see him taking a bag out of his back pocket to pick up his dog’s mess.  They would eventually chat about the neighborhood. David even imagined perhaps he would be invited to a Super Bowl party.

But this went differently then expected.  His dog began to shit. David began to take out his bag but before the dog was done, an old man came yelling out the door.  David tried to explain “I’m going to pick it up.” As the man kept on yelling, David tried to explain louder “I’M GOING TO PICK IT UP!!!!”.  The old man rambled on about how he had seen them before pissing on his lawn and he had watched for too long and finally he was going to do something about it. David had never seen this man before or known of his rage.  He tried to explain that if he would have known but the old man just kept on yelling.  David pulled his dog away from the old man and left without picking up the poo as well.  He always avoided that old man’s lawn after that.

David began to have flashbacks as his dog shit on the pier.  How could this be happening? “You’ve never taken a shit this late in the walk….”  whispered David to his dog.  Trying to avoid the stares of onlookers and fishermen, they continued on their walk.

Drinking in New Hampshire

I am drinking some kind of bourbon drink with marischinooooo {sic} cherries right now.  Henry Barber made it for me.  I am sitting at an island in his kitchen.

Everyone else is gone and this moment is rare.  I’ve never been to New Hampshire before but I admire the New England lifestyle.  There is something unique about it…especially if you are coming from Southern California.  I feel like the people are different although I can’t really tell how.  They are a little more outwardly serious.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell when they are joking or being mean, but I like that type of humor.

They have a rougher skin that I think sometimes people in Southern California lack.  I’m not saying I somekind of tough Bean Town guy but I like it when people are frank even though I find it difficult for myself to be.

‘

Aside, who calls Southern California…SoCal?  I certainly don’t.

The Blag

I read today Rod Blagojevich was impeached. I haven’t been following this story too closely. I have never actually talked about Rod with anyone I know either.  For some reason though I think about him a lot. 

I don’t know what this dude is about.  I have never heard him speak.  One thing I do know is that I like this guy.  He’s got guts.  

Do do do do you have it?!?!? GUTS!!! This guy would definetly climb the Aggro Crag and get a piece of that fucking mountain.  Pieces of sparkling shit blowing in his face wouldn’t stop him. 

The Blag

 The Blag is a one man show.  That is why everyone is against him now.  That’s why I like him.  Look what some asshole said after his impeachment:

 ”He failed the test of character. He is beneath the dignity of the state of Illinois. He is no longer worthy to be our governor,” said Sen. Matt Murphy, a Republican from suburban Chicago.

You can tell this Matt Murphy guy is a real buzzkill.  His name sucks first of all.  I would slap anyone named Matt Murphy.  Matt just because your name has no combination of Rod or Blag, you should suck it. You are beneath the dignity of a porno star’s butthole.