Head Bruise

I tried to clean myself this morning.  I hit my head on the shower door frame in a daze.  I think it messed me up.  When I got into the shower and tried closing the door it wouldn’t budge.  Then I realized that my head had knocked the door out of the frame, out of the guide.

I was just told “Fuck you, Asshole”

What happens when you tell a guy you don’t have a phonebook?  Answer above.

This guy was a real asshole.  He came in and sat on our chairs.  He was kind of dirty, skinney, with a lisp. 

-”Do you have a phonebook?”

-”Nope, sorry.”

-”There’s no phonebook in this office.  Yeah right.” (Said with a lot of ‘tude.)

-”What’s your problem, man???”

- The guy raises his hand and throws me the bird.

-”What the hell.  You’re in my office! Get out of here!”

-”Fuck you, asshole”  then leaves.

Shower Pains + Update on Dude vs. Bro

If you live next to my shower, you probably heard me yelling fuck this morning.  This was not the obligatory shower masturbation session either.   Does global warming affect my shower water temperature?  

I hate the fucking hot/cold shower syndrome!  I feel like a man running a coal powered train.  Except instead of shoveling coal, I am twisting the hot/cold knobs of my shower like a maniac.  “Shit temperature is rising engines gonna blow!” (turns down hot knob….shower slows to a trickle…turns cold knob full cirlce). “We’re losing power!!! She’s not going to make it over the hill!” ( turns both cold and hot knobs to full force…still too cold…forgets at what point the knobs are turned….turns knobs all the way down…no water….turns hot knob up full blast….tooooo hot…yells ”FUCK” once… pauses….yells “FUCK” louder).  “We’re losing it, we’re derailing and the engine is on fire!!!” (steps out of the shower.. 50% body cleaning success).

In an update, ”Bro” guy was fired last week.  A sad loss. I bow my head for you Bro, dude.

Dude vs Bro

The age old question of Bro vs Dude?  I present a true story of Bro vs Dude.  

 

1) Bro – A new guy was hired at my work about three weeks ago.  He calls people bro… well at least me.  ”How do you enter this, bro?”  ”That’s what I said, bro!”.  At first I was like WHAT? I’m not used to hearing bro.  It seemed queer to me every time he said it.  I would give that look where I twitch my eye and raise my lip like the expression they often use in sitcoms when something bad happens but it’s funny.  But after a while I found myself finding the use of bro endearing.  ”You get what I’m talking about, bro?”  ”MOST CERTAINLEY, BRO!”

Bro

 

 

2) Dude- After I noticed how many times the new guy used bro, I found myself noticing how many times I say dude. “Take it easy, dude.” “Noway, dude!”.  Do people give me the look when I say dude at work???? I also say man.  Shit this is like a Bro vs Dude vs Man battle.  Fuck me Amadeus!

Dude Sweet

Transmissions with Dad

-The only emails I have posted so far have resulted from correspondences with my mom.  I am going to break with this tradition and post the latest email from my dad as follows:

Dear Alex:

 

Guess what?  It is Christmas again.

 

You have been a good boy … as usual?. Senta has been a good dog. 

 

But will you guys make the next round? Talk to you soon.

 

I love you my son,

 

Dad

- The first thing I have to say is… WTF does “But will you guys make the next round?” mean?!? 

This to me sounds like some evil boss in a video game.  Like Senta and I just kicked some major ass on the streets…. we     thought it was over only to realize it was only the end of the first round. The second round will be 6 times more difficult (2 times more enemies, enemies are 2 times as large, and we are 2 times as weak as when we started). Probably one of us will not make it.

-Second, this sounds like a drunk email. Who says “I love you my son”? Only feudal lords or drunk dads. “You have been a good boy… as usual?.” The structure of this sentence oozes drunk as well.

-Finally… do you understand why I was destined to be insane?  

I’m Drunk

Hey I’m drunk.  What can I SAY It’s 4:17 in the morning. Rock out dudes and bros because tonight is your night.  You are the king of the castle….the tsar of the Kremlin… the President of the White House… the DUDE!

Old Toilet Spice

Just almost knocked my deodorant in the toilet.  Close call.

Transmissions with Mom

In an earlier post I mentioned how I set up a gmail account for my mom.   She writes me everyday.  None of our dialogue really has any purpose.  It’s kind of like two headless chickens emailing each other.

Latest email from my mom (it’s a long one but worth it):

Hey Alex,  happy St. Nick!   Just watched Boston Legal,  it’s so funny;  everybody in that cast is hilarious.  Last night I watched the case of Amanda Knox, a student from Seattle who is accused of murder in Perugia, Italy.  It is so bizarre -  she is still in prison,   You know I like stuff like that — her roommate, an English girl,  got raped and murdered by this drug dealer from Africa,  but this Amanda and her Italian boy-friend were somehow involved,  too.   The weird thing is,  I think it was all Harry Potter’s fault -  I think these books and movies are bad,  I can’t help it. The boy-friend got off, of course, because he was a prominent doctor’s son. (  supposedly a Harry Potter look-alike)  I am going to follow this case,  the trial is in January.   I wished i was a psychiatrist,  I would put her under hypnosis  — if she was on drugs,  she can’t remember a thing, but I think she remembers something – the local pub owner  had something to do with it, too.   There was definitely a ‘third’ force involved.   Call me – love, Mom

Meatballs Part II

I regret what I posted last night.  Meatballs taught me a lot.  Here is a clip that I found particularly inspiring.

Fresh and Sleasy

I finished watching the movie Meatballs a couple of hours ago.  This was premeditated.  There is this sack full of VHS in the back room of my work.  I don’t know where these came from, but I look through them sometimes.  Today was the day…. I looked inside and decided tonight I would watch Meatballs.  

Bill Murray’s first movie.  I don’t know what the shit is going on in my life.. except meatballs. 

Also a heavy metal dude that I work with made me laugh.  He has nicknames for things.  The other day he said he was going down to Fresh and Sleasy to pick up some food.  This made me laugh… so I made a logo for this store: